Seeking escape

I made a big mistake.  In hindsight, that is.  I made darn sure that, unlike with my other five pregnancies, I would not be traveling or "going on vacation" while preggo.  No sir.  Done with that.  

My first pregnancy I was maneuvering overnight trains in Italy, in whatever is Italian for "just abova cattle class." My second pregnancy, I drove down to Florida with a one year old to sing at a wedding during an active hurricane season.  In all the subsequent pregnancies, I've driven down to VA at least once to stay with inlaws, one of whom was friendly enough to call me selfish for sleeping in when I was 8 months pregnant.  While visiting her.  In July. With limited a/c.  But I digress...

So been there, done that.  And this time, when I discovered the two lines, I made darn sure I wouldn't leave this house till the fall.

I still haven't moved.  In all of our last minute desperate attempts to find a way to get away, I've been foiled.  By April, the time shares we typically use were booked up for the summer.  Even when I've attempted to get the first week of September before we really give up on summer, it hasn't worked.

I've never wanted to be pregnant more.  I've never been so terrified of that idea.  I've never been so desperate to get away from it all.  From the room she would have been in.  From the bed that still has ginger chews and Zofran in the little drawer.  From the shower where I've watched my belly shrink.  (Never thought I'd be sad about something like that.)  I don't even understand why today is a "sad" day, but from the moment I woke up, it just was.  Probably because I'm leaving Phase 1 on my NFP chart.  Bleeding now would have meant she was on her way.  Bleeding now just means she is gone.

"My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; 

my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God." Psalm 84:2

Addendum:  So I tap out the above tearjerker, shove the laptop towards my husband with a mumbled, "I hope I'll feel better now," and wander off to redo my makeup.  He read it, picked up the phone, and called our time share company just one more time.  Last night, there was nothing available.  But today, right after I'd written this, there was a beautiful two bedroom place, close to both destinations my husband and I wanted (I wanted lakes, he wanted mountains) in Bethel.  Familiar with any Hebrew?    That's just too cool...



God... thank You.