Love, Respect, Duct Tape and Self Control

1.  "God, grant me the courage to put down this stupid Pirate Booty!" was my most recent prayer.  But things went downhill from there.  Steeling myself to lock them in the cupboard, I found chocolate chips.  Beside the peanut butter.

So I will type during my snack break here.  Dinner is boiling--I'm Irish; I boil things--it's hissing as it overflows a bit.  Have to get that.  From upstairs the sounds of a escalating disagreement can be heard, primarily the phrase "not fair."  My poor children have been sentenced to tidy up their room, and seem to invent arguments so that interventions delay the process.  Today, I'm not biting the bait.  But this snack on the other hand...

The peanut butter is basically empty.  Would you tell anyone if I told you I just dumped a half cup of chocolate chips in there, and am eating it from the jar with a spoon?  No, I'm sure you wouldn't... thanks. ;)

2.  I'm a wee bit stressed, you see.  Not just because it's the witching hour(s): everyone's tired, but dinner's not quite ready, hubby's not quite home, the house is not quite (ever) clean, and my mind is not quite "all there."  We just got back from a farm where we pet animals 

AND had a hayride 

AND did a corn maze 

AND picked pumpkins

AND did a craft while eating apples, throwing the cores to the cows. 

I get a Mommy "A" for all that, I'm sure.  But now, I'm tired.

3.  And tonight is date night!  I can't count the number of times I've been all "Yayyyy date night!  Actual adult talk time!" and charged through the day, then rushed to feed and dress the kids, and clean for the sitter (well, as much as possible), returning this phone call and that email, and then finally find myself driving away with the Dancause and absolutely, totally falling asleep.  Communicating in lifeless grunts, not able to think of a single interesting thing to say in my exhaustion.  Sliding into the (very real) version of myself who with sublime intentions buys the perfect occasion card well in advance... but then forgets the birthday all together, or remembers but then finds it utterly impossible to successfully unite pen, envelope, stamp, address, and mail box.

Marriage is challenging.  Marriage as parents is even more so.  So...

4.  Through a miraculous alignment of Orion and the Washing Machine (read further for explanation), I found three sets of sitters so that spouse and I could go on a day-long "Marriage Renewal" day last weekend, featuring the (very good) book "Love and Respect."  The basic premise of the work is that men need respect like women need love.  In spots, it's quite brilliant.

Since college days, Dan and I have had a habit of doodling notes to each other in the middle of class.  Glancing over, I noticed he'd marked down "My use of duct tape" under respect.  Instantly remembering a particularly broken window repair, I loudly guffawed and...

You know when you think someone's telling a joke, and you rofl, and then you lol as you realize they aren't smiling quite as much as you thought they would and then, j/k, wasn't laughing because they were serious... wth?.. oops.

Turned into a good conversation.  Found out I could offer "unconditional respect" on the creativity displayed in my man's use of duct tape (shower repair, house plant support, etc.) while not necessarily liking the end result of the work.  I could do both.  I can at least try. Also ended up talking about

5.  Sports.  Like stuff that ends in "ball."  Yeahhhh.... I have issues with those things.  Even when "my" home team is in the World Series, I'd pretty much still rather watch paint dry than sit through a game.  I'm envious of the excitement evident on play-by-play Facebook stati.... I'm just missing the gene I guess.   Or maybe just experiencing the effects of being raised "anti-sport," as in "sports are a secular religion and thou shalt not care." If only that were more of an exaggeration...

But back to respect... while realizing I will likely never share this male interest in what happens with balls, I can avoid "contempt of sports."  Which probably defines my attitude: if I'm not playing it, and no one I know is either, why am I watching this?  Well, again, I can try.  Room for improvement.  And hubby will cultivate an interest in flower arrangement in return.  :D

6.  Similar room for improvement can be found in my attitude towards NFP I've been realizing this week, especially after reading Simcha's book.   I won't give away the punch lines here, but it sure helps refocus one's stance.

Cuz in general... I'd kinda been looking at NFP like a rope bridge I have to cross once a month.  It works really effectively if you know what you're doing, but it can be frightening as Hades while getting there and adjusting to the gaps and sways of it all.  Particularly when you're learning some new cycle trick and trying to maneuver the blasted thing while trying to avoid both pregnancy and mortal sin.  At times, this means you can only have sex while really scared or stressed over whether you've charted right or not.  Which stinks.  Especially when, say, you are taking some weird med and really (really) can't get preggo right now.  Terrifying.  Much more so when you look down.  So you learn to look Up as much as possible.  Which reminds me...

7.  I apparently lied about the moon, enthusiastically, on my Facebook page.  At least according to the jocular message left on my machine a couple days back.  No, I didn't: I was merely duped by a bigger blogger, so blame her.  Just because it was so slight that you could barely detect any shadow at all, an eclipse is an eclipse, no matter how... faint?  In any case, it was GORGEOUS!  Here, my I-Phone will attempt to show you:

So much better in person!  I tried.  I even lay prostrate before the Temple of Music (with a van of screaming kids parked beside me) to try to capture the glowing orb better... still ended up only looking like a small disc.... Just take my word for it, it rocked.  God is awesome.  Love how it says, "He tells the number of the stars; He calls all of them by name." Ps. 147:4

So I get all excited about celestial events, despite that fact that I'm not well-versed in astronomy. Heck, I didn't know what a constellation was until I was in 7th grade, on my home-schooled substitute to a father-daughter dance: dinner at a Chinese restaurant.  Happened to see three stars in a perfect row, and so learned about Orion's Belt.  Just thought star pictures and meteor showers were sooo cool from then on...

Also thought this guy in college I met was sooo cool because he wanted to show me the "Washing Machine" constellation.  Took me out in a field and spent quite a while trying to get me to see it.  Never did.  Did end up marrying him though.  

Currently, I really respect that he's taking me out to a TV-free section of a TV-laden restaurant, to talk about "us" instead of watching the World Series game.  Thanks hon.  I confidently assert you've chosen the better part.

Judging from the Facebook comments, they lost anyway.  Having never felt such sorrows myself, I don't know what to say to Red Sox Nation... hopefully a simple "I'm sorry" will suffice.  And I am sorry... the general mood of the neighborhood just sunk considerably.  Goooo get 'em Sox!!!   Better luck on Saturday!  (This is me, trying.)

Linked to Seven Quick Takes

Top Ten Reasons to Read "Sinner's Guide to NFP"

10.  Because you hate NFP, and think no one should be on such an arduous system because it doesn't work.  

9.  Because you hate NFP, and think only God should plan when it comes to fertility.

8.  Because you hate NFP from years of charting the progress of being miserable, personally and as a couple.

7.  Because you love NFP, and can't comprehend why everyone doesn't love it as much as you do.

6.  Because you want to love (or at least unhate) NFP, and want to notice a temperature spike on any kind of happiness in a system full of charts, thermometers, and--er--"goop."

5.  Because you think non-Catholics have sooo much more fun than we plodding prudes.  Or you don't personally know any non-Catholics, and thus couldn't say one way or the other...

4.  Because you need inspiration and further understanding of what God requires of us.

3.  Because your marriage is imperfect and could use ideas for improvement (or because your marriage is perfect, and you just want to gloat.)

2.  Because you just need a good laugh.  Or because you need a good cry.

1. To know you are NOT alone.

This is the book I've been waiting for and wanting all my married life.  And 12 years into that blessed vocation, I finally got it!  "Sinner's Guide" was a book that absolutely had to be written.  I was worried it might have to be me... and I'm not mellow enough to tackle something this controversial in book form yet.  Three cheers for Simcha!  :)

Managing somehow to be absolutely inspiring while remaining plainly hilarious, employing the most refreshing honesty coupled with the most charitable fairness, Mrs. Fisher addressed all of the major issues of the "joys" of NFP that, prior to this book, I'd only heard whispered late at mom's nights out with cocktails.  

I ordered this book on a Saturday, and immediately drove to a "new" playground so my four kids would be distracted as my husband and I read it together.  As they wearied of that playground, we drove to another.  Three in total.  

I haven't smiled this much about NFP... ever.

It's not even that any of the info was new to us.  Both hubby and I have majors in theology (from an orthodox Catholic university to boot).  It's simply that now there's a book publicly stating the collective private worries, fears, and misgivings of a couple generations of well-meaning, practicing Catholics.  Married folks who want to be holy and "do the right thing," but found that "doing the right thing" sometimes made them feel anything but holy.  A pair of disgruntled malcontents perhaps, but not holy.  

Good Catholic gal that I've always been, I had written papers on the glories of NFP since high school.  Upon getting engaged (and not a moment before), I dutifully signed up for the local NFP class. Unbeknownst to me, I was taught a variation of the rhythm method instead.  And six months of considerable carefulness into marriage, while studying for the degrees we planned to use to earn a living, I had a positive pregnancy test.  

"Betrayed" doesn't begin to describe how I felt.  I had done everything "right," and suddenly I was a mom at 23, when I'd hoped to first work on marriage and saving money (we had nothing) and curing some health issues. While I never regretted our beautiful baby, I very much resented the timing, as our carefullly laid plans of getting a home and jobs were thrown to the wind.  We hurridly finished off half our masters' degrees, and a month later had our baby at 32 weeks gestation.  I took another NFP course.  But I was nursing, and the teacher we had was from the same organization I learned from before.  18 months later, again while carefully charting as best I knew how, we were pregnant again.

So we had a crash course in parenthood, and our financial situation has remained challenging to this day...for instance, just this morning I fielded a phone call from our student loan company.  Yep, still from what we owe from my attempts at finishing grad school when I became a mom instead in 2002.

I never did get back to work like I'd planned.  But as Simcha illustrates in this book: by being obedient to God's will, we have been blessed in ways I would never have chosen, but would now never want to be without.

I finally found a teacher who knew the system, and had six years of "just" two kids before we expanded our family by two more.  And just for good measure, I took the course one more time, and love Creighton style best of all.  

But I still struggled, and at best have only come to a resigned disgust with the system.  The well-meaning "encouragement" of other women of how "NFP really brings you together as a couple.  Really!" did not help at all. (Particularly when such pep-talks were coming from those beyond child-bearing years, who only remembered having kids as "the best time of their lives.")  Very few were willing to admit the simple truth: that NFP can be very difficult to learn, very difficult to practice, and only through God's grace and significant trial and error will a couple begin to see the elusive benefits promised at pre-Cana class.  

Simcha does a spectacular job of describing how all these NFP benefits (improved communication!  increased understanding!  deeper appreciation!) can be true, but they don't come automatically, and can be very far from the truth in the learning stages of the game.  Especially when most of us are given  bright pink glasses beforehand, and only in practice find out the incredible amounts of sacrifice required to practice NFP and maintain sanity.

While I still hope further studies in fertility will someday make this system less arduous, thanks to this guide for sinners, I am again inspired to look at NFP more positively, even as the system is today.

I absolutely loved the non-judgmental nature of this book, the demonstration of the fact that you just (really!) never know someone else's situation, and so should never attempt to decide for someone else whether they should have more or less kids, that they should be "providentialist" or "NFPers."  That such decisions really involve a personal, daily, (and yes, monthly) discernment of God's will.

Thank you, Simcha.  Thank you for saying, out loud that NFP can absolutely stink sometimes.  That was utterly refreshing to hear publicly... after years of being silenced and shamed into thinking "I should be so happy with this," it was great to have someone call a luteal phase a luteal phase. On a scale of 2 to 10, I give you a 10S! :) And thank you, even more, for highlighting the heart of the whole matter: the creature's submission to the Creator's plan. 

I will never forget your depiction of God's conditional will for us, as a Father who says, "Okay, let's see what we can do with the choice you've made" in a way that makes the best of it.  I can't wait to see what He does with your work.  Keep it up.  :)

Linked to Many Little Blessings, Moxie Wife, and This, That, and the Other Thing

Top Ten Reasons to Eat Chocolate... Now

10.  Because it's there.  Duh... :D

9.  So you're kids won't.  Because the last thing they need is more energy.  Though it IS a very impressive first word to teach your toddler: before the age of 2, Cecilia asked for "Choka?" while Felicity requested "Cachick?" which sounded oddly Russian...

8.  So your spouse won't.  Because this kind isn't their favorite, anyway.  I'm just noting that fact...

7.  For medicinal reasons!

6.  Because you are in the car, and it will melt otherwise.  Wonderfully, you can still drive after consuming it! You can have a big piece at 4 PM, or even 4 AM, daily, and you won't be labeled a "lush."  Fantastic.

5.  To celebrate the release of "The Sinner's Guide to Natural Family Planning."  (Please don't miss the book description below it; it's to die for...)  Honestly, I feared I'd have to write a book like this, because someone had to; I couldn't be happier that it was done through the wit and wisdom of Simcha Fisher!!  Delighted that Catholics now have a realistic, common sense approach to the blessing and cross of honoring God's gift of fertility.  Fantastic.  Can't wait to get a paper copy...

4.  To cope with news like this:  UGH.  A church leader with a $20,000 bathtub.  May God smite him with common sense.

3.  To muse over posts like this, by a blogger I typically agree with.  Because yes, the food stamp system is abused. But no, the principle of subsidiary does not, unfortunately, always work, and some sort of system to help the (truly) unfortunate is needed.  Because humans act like humans and fail like humans sometimes: the "haves" are afraid to give enough, and the "have nots" are afraid and can take too much.  I tend to have a heart for the "have-nots," because I feel it is so easy to be judgmental of a lady in front of you in the grocery line, embarrassed to be using WIC and texting on an I-Phone. Because that lady has been me, and my sister-in-law gave me that phone.  You never know another's circumstances, so let your judgments proceed with gentleness. (Luke 6:37,38)

2.  To celebrate my first calendar appearance!  Yes, in the form of a sad quote, but still!  Today we celebrate both Babyloss Remembrance Day (light a candle with us at 7 PM and wish me luck: I will be giving a presentation to the OB Council at Women and Infants Hospital at that same time!) and the feast of St. Teresa of Avila.  Yep, both on the same day.  Because the Lord is cool like that.  And here's her supremely cool quote:

1.  Because chocolate is one of God's myriad ways of telling us He loves us, and one of millions of proofs that He desires our happiness.  ;)

Linked to Many Little Blessings and This, That, and the Other Thing

Seeking escape

I made a big mistake.  In hindsight, that is.  I made darn sure that, unlike with my other five pregnancies, I would not be traveling or "going on vacation" while preggo.  No sir.  Done with that.  

My first pregnancy I was maneuvering overnight trains in Italy, in whatever is Italian for "just abova cattle class." My second pregnancy, I drove down to Florida with a one year old to sing at a wedding during an active hurricane season.  In all the subsequent pregnancies, I've driven down to VA at least once to stay with inlaws, one of whom was friendly enough to call me selfish for sleeping in when I was 8 months pregnant.  While visiting her.  In July. With limited a/c.  But I digress...

So been there, done that.  And this time, when I discovered the two lines, I made darn sure I wouldn't leave this house till the fall.

I still haven't moved.  In all of our last minute desperate attempts to find a way to get away, I've been foiled.  By April, the time shares we typically use were booked up for the summer.  Even when I've attempted to get the first week of September before we really give up on summer, it hasn't worked.

I've never wanted to be pregnant more.  I've never been so terrified of that idea.  I've never been so desperate to get away from it all.  From the room she would have been in.  From the bed that still has ginger chews and Zofran in the little drawer.  From the shower where I've watched my belly shrink.  (Never thought I'd be sad about something like that.)  I don't even understand why today is a "sad" day, but from the moment I woke up, it just was.  Probably because I'm leaving Phase 1 on my NFP chart.  Bleeding now would have meant she was on her way.  Bleeding now just means she is gone.

"My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; 

my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God." Psalm 84:2

Addendum:  So I tap out the above tearjerker, shove the laptop towards my husband with a mumbled, "I hope I'll feel better now," and wander off to redo my makeup.  He read it, picked up the phone, and called our time share company just one more time.  Last night, there was nothing available.  But today, right after I'd written this, there was a beautiful two bedroom place, close to both destinations my husband and I wanted (I wanted lakes, he wanted mountains) in Bethel.  Familiar with any Hebrew?    That's just too cool...



God... thank You.

Why I didn't have an abortion

As some of you know, I recently had an discussion on my Facebook wall about moral and political issues, something I haven't done before... I'm not usually big on publicly debating personal beliefs on FB in front of silent multitudes.  But we're both being civil, batting the issues back and forth like a tennis match. No one has attempted to run madly into the other's court and beat the other over the head with their racquet.  :)

I congratulate us both on our civility because touchy points have been raised--which we obviously feel opposedly passionate about--particularly around the issue of choice. It's a topic that people of good will can feel strongly about, whether you think you should defend the rights of women in trouble, or whether you feel compelled to save the lives of children.

I believe there are ways to do both.   

During this debate, it was mentioned that  most abortion cases involve "a case where a woman does not know how she's going to support her baby while going to school or to work, while also paying for childcare."  And something clicked...

Back in 2002, I was such a woman.  Newly married, engaged in the opportunity of a lifetime to study overseas, finishing my degree, jobless, homeless, with no health insurance.  

Unexpectedly pregnant. 

I'm planning to tell you more of the story later. For now... I want to offer my own personal testimony as to why I did not make the choice to abort, and why I am very happy I didn't, despite some negative consequences.  

When I first realized I was expecting an unplanne- for baby at a totally undesirable time, I understood, for the first time in my sheltered conservative life, why women would have an abortion.  I knew having a baby would destroy every plan I'd made for my future at the time.  And I didn't feel "pregnant": I felt like I had the worst flu of my life.  All the time.  I felt scared, and sad, and so very, very disappointed.  In a word: devastated.  

So why didn't I have an abortion?  

Not because I'm better than those who do.  Certainly there but for the grace of God go I.  

I didn't because I did not consider it to be a serious option.

And why not?

1. I had been taught, and believed based on the evidence of science, the use of reason, and the teachings of my faith: that life begins at conception. These beliefs were not imposed on me. They were simply explained well and made sense.

2. Therefore, I knew an abortion would be killing a human being whom I would likely otherwise be well-acquainted with, and likely fond of, for the rest of my natural life.

3. And I didn't want to do that. More than I was scared, disappointed, sick, confused, and wondered what the hell I was going to do now, I couldn't dispose of this baby. Even though I really, really, really didn't want to have one right then, and even though this baby would change everything.  

Like it says in the insipid movie I finally watched on DVD "Eat Pray Love": "Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face.  You kinda wanna be fully committed."  I was in no way ready for this tattoo.  But I was still waiting in line to get it.  

I cannot express how grateful I am that I went through with my pregnancy.  And I'm not sitting here congratulating myself: instead I consider myself very blessed and lucky to have had the education I did, and the support of everyone around me to have that baby.  

Because the outcome might just possibly have been different if some sweet, motherly family member had taken my 23 year-old hand and said, "Sweetie, I know you didn't mean for this to be happening.  I know you are terrified and that your plans are in jeopardy.  Look, let me help you make an appointment, and we'll get this taken care of, okay?  Then you can finish the degree you deserve, enjoy your time traveling Europe, just get used to being married, find a good job, save up money, buy a house, and then--when you are ready--you can start having kids.  Don't worry about this honey; it's just an 'oops.'  It will be like it never happened.  It's quick, you'll feel better within a week, and then you can move on with your life.  You have so much potential, darlin'!  So don't waste it!  You have a legal right to get this fixed."

As kind and soothing as that all sounds, it is a huge disservice to a woman--particularly a scared and desperate woman--to present eliminating a pregnancy as an option to solve a problem.  Women shouldn't have to kill their own children to have a better life. In my opinion, that's the worst abuse we can offer to a woman, let alone her child.

Our society should not be presenting desperate women in desperate situations with an even more desperate choice. One they may well someday regret, and never, ever stop regretting.  

While I acknowledge that others may have different experiences, I personally am so glad no one said that to me. Because becoming a mom unexpectedly, severely morning sick, while a student overseas, with no job or house or property or insurance, was crazy hard. And terrifying. And it was so disappointing to look at the shattered pieces of my own cherished plans.

But then, there was God's plan.

All the things I had wanted to do, and have had to change or postpone, were good. But a baby was a greater good.  She turned my world completely upside down.  Yet in the end, it looked better that way.  And while I have suffered considerable setbacks for choosing to have her, while I have not finished my degree track nor yet had a proper career, I do not ever regret having my unplanned, unexpected, unwanted pregnancy.

Ever.

It costs money to support children. I know, because I've struggled financially where since we had them. And a D&C is indeed easier on the body than childbirth. I know. I've had both. I've had babies, and I've lost babies.

And having them is better.

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field..." Matthew 13:44

Linked to http://www.catholicbloggersnetwork.com/p/link-up-blitz.html and RX