Thursday, June 27, 2013

How to feel feminine

1.  Adorn all four of your daughters in summer dresses
2.  Put on one yourself, because rooms are being painted and you are behind on laundry with pants
3.  Pack your van with females, and go to Lowes (yes, hit a new Lowes, to avoid "Senor Enticing" from yesterday (bleck):)
4.  Go inside.  Behold towering shelves of improvement materials.  Smell wood and paint and deck cleaner.
5.  Want to die.  But don't.
6.  Proceed with gleeful gaggle of girls down main aisle, wringing your hands.
7.  Realize the clop-clopping sound is not a knight in shining armor coming to rescue you, but paint being spun in cans
8.  Realize no one at all is going to rescue you, and you need to "woman up."
9.  Scan horizon for a red vest.  Hone in on victim.  Encourage your girls to gallop with cart behind you as you give chase to your man.
10.  Lead squadron of hooting young ladies down Aisle 46, where you finally arrest your quarry.
11. Knowing men can't read your mind, be specific with your request: "Where can I find plumber's tape?"
12.  Encourage girls, (oldest pushing cart, all others how hanging off of it) to follow the silent, swift walk of Mr. Red Vest.  Arrive in main aisle
13.  Red Vest: "See the signs hanging from the ceiling?  Read 'em."
14.  Lift thine eyes unto the heights... "Um... Kitchen. Windows.  Garage Doors.  Plumbing."
15.  Red Vest is grinning.  "Where do you suppose 'plumbing tape' would be?"
16.  Take a wild guess in a still, small voice: "Plumbing?"
18.  Go to plumbing aisle.  Use wide-eyed, Nazgul-hissing, and frantic gesturing to keep your female cohort from racing in the aisle with abandon.
19.  Search diligently for the &%%^(!! tape.  Don't find it.
20.  Lead your pack to seek out next red vest for further assistance, feeling very feminine indeed.

Okay, that's one way anyway.  I am actually the type of mom who wants her girls to learn how to change tires and gives them martial arts classes.  But this was today.  :)

Today is also the day we celebrate the life of Fr. Josemaria Escriva, the founder of Opus Dei, an organization I am fondly a part of.  It encourages Christians to make ordinary life a prayer and find God in the tasks of daily life.  I would love to go to the special service tonight, but instead I'm going to join 300 teens celebrating the conclusion of Catholic Heart Work Camp week, which my older girls and I were also a part of.  Am now going to drink a bucket of caffeine to maintain the proper level of adolescent enthusiasm for noise and music.

"Sing joyfully to God, all the earth: serve ye the Lord with gladness. 
Come in before his presence with exceeding great joy." Psalm 100:2


  1. Un-freaking-believable! My dear, you are too feminine for words, you put me to shame! I would have said, in my slowest Southern drawl: "Why sugar, that's why Y'ALL are here. And if y'all would still like to keep this heah job, y'all will show me the effing tape. Right. Now. Please."

    Did you secretly want to punch his nose?

    I have to say, this only happens in Home Depot down here; Lowes dudes are gents.

    FYI - Nazgul - niiiiiice.

  2. ROFL That's it, you're coming with me next time! :)

  3. Yeah, the sugar treatment invariably works up here, because the Yankee lads have no experience of it and it completely confuses them.