Thursday, October 10, 2013

Days Nine and Ten: Music and Beliefs

Well... music isn't the happiest topic for me regarding my recent loss.  The song that most reminds me of Pepper was the song that was stuck in my head the night I found out she was gone, and had the D&E scheduled in the morning.  It was such an awful and strange night, finding out at 5 PM that she was dead, and knowing I would be "unpregnant" by 11 AM the next day, with no symptoms of miscarriage and yet no hope of a live baby.

Feeling like a tomb, the only thing I could think to do was to take some pictures of my belly while we were still physically together.  Such a sad and surreal night.  I didn't sleep much; I couldn't stop crying and holding my tummy where she was at rest.  


And this is the song that kept replaying in my head.


For your comic relief: there is somehow a Simpsons picture in this clip, and the lyrics are hilariously wrong in places.  Even I stopped getting weepy when I saw this pathetic clip.  Ha!

BUT (Day Ten), happily--and so gratefully--I do have faith in the "afterlife" of heaven.  I don't know how I would have survived without this belief.  I know I will see my lost little ones, get to hold them and get to know them when I die and join them there, as I hope with great confidence to do.

Faith is really a gift.  It's not something anyone could have foisted on me at the time of my loss I don't think. So I have zero judgment for those who don't have this gift... my heart very much goes out to them in the extremity of the loss they must feel.  I would just encourage those who don't have this gift of faith at this time to hope.  To hope for the best possible solution to this earthly sorrow.  To hope beyond your wildest expectations that there is a perfect plan where justice, fairness, and love prevails.  If you can do this, you won't be disappointed.  

We are not living the only life there is.  We have an eternal "second chance" at happiness that is lost here, where every disappointment will be addressed, every hurt will be healed, and regrets can be redeemed. 

That's what I believe.  Thank God.

I know my little ones are alive; I just can't see them.  But I can certainly feel their influence.  I strongly sense my angel babies want me to be happy, that they are here with me even as I mourn them, that they pray to God on my behalf.  I have seen so many blessings happen in my life that I believe had to do with my little ones putting in a good word for me. ;)  Certain things are just working out that weren't before... I don't know.  It's more of a sense then something I can put into words.  I know I am loved beyond words by my children in heaven, and by the God that made us all and holds myself and my children together always in His heart.  

This loss has been the worst thing I ever experienced.  But I know God has great things in store for me and all my children.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD,
 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 
to give you hope and a future.'"
Jeremiah 29:11

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